


Everything and Nothing at All

by vampnira92



Category: Original Work
Genre: 2000s, Bittersweet, Cancer, Childhood Trauma, Closure, Death, Gen, Hurt, Loss, Loss of Parent(s), Memoirs, POV First Person, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 17:59:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampnira92/pseuds/vampnira92
Summary: You’ve been given one-time access to a time machine to visit your younger self. After a brief pause, you know the when and the where, hop in the machine and take off. When there, you chat with your younger self but offer one piece of advice to him/her that you hope will change his/her future for the better. Start with your arrival in the time machine (and what does your time machine look like) and end with your arrival in the future noticing something that has changed.





	Everything and Nothing at All

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [What I Would Tell My Younger Self](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/486952) by Brian A. Klems. 



> This is an original work based on real events in my own life and inspired by the prompt written in the summary. The names of characters have been changed to protect the identities of the real people that the characters are based on. This work was not originally written to be published and was initially intended as a healing exercise to get me through tough times. However, I figured it would be good to post it for others who may have experienced something similar or are also going through tough times and may need the message that I wish I'd had at the time.

I came to a stop with an almost inaudible hiss and looked around through the one-way transparent exterior of the spherical machine that brought me there. I was in my little brother’s and my room in my mom’s apartment. It was late and I knew that Mom’s friend who had been taking care of her since she left the hospital was probably asleep. I pushed a button on the holographic screen in front of me to release the door with a soft click and stood from the hovering magnetized bucket seat to take a step out onto the carpeted floor. Everything was just as I remembered it except… smaller. 

The white wooden bunk bed was against the wall in the far right corner. I slept on the top bunk because Jeremy was too small and Mom was afraid he’d roll off, so he slept on the bottom bunk where he had a cubby that he kept some of his favorite toys. Standing next to it, it only came chest high compared to the vast height it seemed when I was a child. The closet was full of mostly my clothes and some of Jeremy’s, and our mountain of toys was somewhat organized and took up the entire floor of the closet space. The T.V. and VCR sat on the entertainment stand on the left wall, our movies in unorganized stacks on either side, most of them still at the end of the reel and waiting to be rewound before they were watched for probably the millionth time. I remember that Jeremy had stuck two of  my favorite movies-- never his own-- backward in the VCR, ruining them completely, and the trouble I got in when I cried and hit him for it in my anger. Mom said that he was too little to understand what he did wrong or which way the videos were supposed to go in, but it didn't make me any less angry about it.

It was all the same, and I smiled remembering all of the fun that Jeremy and I had had in that room. We were so young, so innocent, so small, so naive to the real world and it’s cruel, harsh realities. We had no way of knowing that that was the night that would lead to the biggest change in our lives. We weren’t even there. We were each at our respective dad’s house, peacefully sleeping in our own beds in our own rooms, resting for school the next day.

I wiped a tear that had rolled down my cheek in my reminiscing without me noticing and took a deep, steadying breath. I had a mission to complete and I knew what would be waiting for me in the next room. I silently exited and took the two steps to my mom’s room, stopping dead in my tracks at the door and choking back a sob. No amount of preparation, no encouraging words, no mental or emotional wall-building-- **_nothing_** \-- could have made me okay to see my mom on her dying day knowing that that was the night she took her last breath.

She was lying on the mobile bed that the hospital had provided for her, her frame slight and frail, barely clinging to life, her chest rising and falling with each ragged breath though only visible with close scrutiny, her hair thin and brittle and mostly gone from the chemotherapy treatments. A thin tube protruded from her nostrils and connected to an oxygen tank on the floor behind the bed, and there were wires connecting her right hand to the heart monitor beside her. It was beeping steadily, but slowly. Her bed was slightly elevated and had she been awake, she would have seen me plain as day. In her drugged haze to take the pain away, would she have even been cognizant enough to converse with me if she did awaken? What would I even say to her? Would she believe me if I told her the truth of who I was? Would she be proud of what I’d accomplished and who I’d become?

The tears wouldn’t stop and the lump in my throat burned as I tread to her bedside to hold her small, thin hand. Even if she hadn’t been so sickly, she would still have been a tiny lady, slender and petite at only five foot three inches and about 100 pounds, soaking wet. I remembered that I’d been stealing her shoes since the fourth or fifth grade because I could fit them even then, and I was already taller than her by the age of ten. There was so much that I wanted to tell her and I smiled, wiping away my tears with my free hand and thinking about everything that had happened in mine and Jeremy’s lives since she’d passed. I’d have told her everything if I could only pause time, but I knew that she only had a very short time left. I didn’t know if it was hours or minutes, but I knew once she did go, the long, continuous beep of the heart monitor would alert her slumbering friend, and my time to complete my mission would be over. 

I tore myself away from her bedside and made my way into her closet where I knew she kept her journals, diaries, writings, and memories-- the ones that would one day come to me when I was old enough. I caressed the myriad of fabrics hanging from the shelves that I knew I would be going through the next day to pick and choose what clothes of hers that I wanted to keep because I could fit them and liked them, and because they reminded me of her. I removed a small envelope from my jacket pocket with my name written on the front in cursive. Inside was a letter that I’d written before I set foot into the time machine that read:

 

“Dear Elise,

I know that life is going to be difficult for you for a while. Time will pass that you’ll never be able to get back or remember. A large span of time will creep by and it’ll feel like an eternity as you’re experiencing it that you’ll wish you  could forget but never will. There will be times when it’ll seem like it’s not worth living anymore, and you’ll want to give up. Sometimes you’ll believe that nobody listens to, believes, or understands you and what you’re going through. I know it all because I was you. I’ve been there, so trust me when I tell you that it  will get better one day.

The most important thing that I can tell you is that it’s okay to not be okay. Getting help from people isn’t a sign of weakness-- it’s a sign of strength to be able to admit that you can’t do everything on your own, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. There’s a proverb that says “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go with others.” You will go fast for a long time. You won’t always know where you’re going or even why, but you’ll wear yourself out and you’ll hit walls along the way. Every time you do, you’ll always find someone there to help you through it in one way or another. You’ll know who they are when you meet them, but not all of them are there to stay. Don’t resist or fight it, and let whatever happens, happen.

I know that this seems crazy and that none of it makes sense, but it will. I also know that you’ll keep this letter for a very long time. You’ve always kept things that you like, even if they’re not worth anything. But this letter will be one of those things that you will hold onto until you no longer need it. One day you will stumble across it again while you’re cleaning or re-organizing, or packing to go somewhere, or whatever it is that you’ll be doing, and you’ll re-read it and realize that it was right all along. That epiphany will be the biggest weight ever lifted from your shoulders and you will cry, and maybe you’ll laugh, too. Who knows? Whatever happens,  nothing is going to stop you from getting what you want out of life, not even these dark times of having lost her. And you, Elise, have a beautiful life ahead of you.

From,

Someone who believes in you”

 

I tucked the envelope into the one journal of Mom’s that I knew I’d get right away and returned to her side, taking hold of her hand once more. After a brief moment to re-memorize her sleeping face and reminisce on all of the happy times we’d had together, and even some of the sad, I finally knew what to say.

“There are a million and one things that I’d love to tell you about, Mom, but our time is running out. We still miss you after all of these years, and we still talk about you whenever we can. Our kids know you as their grandma in heaven and ask about you, too. You taught us so much…

“Jeremy and I will be okay. You don’t have to worry about us or how we’ll turn out or handle things. We’ve had a few hiccups along the way, but we’ve turned out really well. So, thank you… for everything… I’ve always wished I’d had the chance to tell you how much I love you before you left, so I’ll say it now... I love you, Mom… I hope we meet again one day in another life. Until then, go in peace.”

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, trying my hardest not to drip tears on her and as I pulled away, I could have sworn that I saw her smile. I let go of her hand and made my way back to the machine, and as the door was closing behind me, I heard the monotone beep and sobbed in agony of having lost her again and joy that I’d finally gotten to say my goodbyes as I was brought back to my own time.

When I arrived, my husband was waiting for me, a concerned look on his face as he stood right where I’d left him in Jeremy’s and my old room in my mom’s old apartment, now our children’s room in our condo. I took a moment to recompose myself before pushing the button and exiting the machine to walk into his arms.

Neither of us said anything, but we stood there, holding each other. Everything and nothing at all felt different, and I smiled to myself. That was just how it was supposed to be.

 


End file.
